Senior "Up To Here!" With Ever Shrinking Post "Disgrace"

"I Can't Even Find The Damn Thing Most Days..."

Complains..."It's No Bigger Than A Matchbook!..."

By David St. David

All Bill Turdlin of South City wants is to be able to read his newspaper in the morning with a cup of hot coffee and the quiet satisfaction of staying in touch with the world around him. The Post Dispatch, crumbling under the weight of an economy gone bad and a bloated , some have argued, out of touch approach to news gathering, has been forced to make some concessions with the 76 year old paper; one of which has Bill hopping mad.

"It's a god damned disgrace is what it is" says the unmarried 73 year old retired butcher. "This newspaper is exactly the size of a standard postcard!" he says spraying a reporter with spittle. "I tried to call and cancel my subscription and they just laughed at me and hung up."

"How the hell am I supposed to do my crossword puzzle when it's no bigger than a quarter!"

Joeseph Tiffany, Managing Editor of the paper and a frequent recipient of angry voice-mails, letters and what he claims are "foul smelling packages" from Turdlin was unmoved by his dilemma.

"Look, it was either decrease the size of the paper or go out of business. Sure it's hard to read, it's no bigger than my hand for chrissakes," he says with a hint of resignation. "Turdlin has been all over me for the past 25 years," he says, "He's just angry about everything and everyone. I guess if I looked like him though I might be angry all the time too."

For his part, Turdlin is trying to be philosophical about the matter.

"Fuck em all to hell," he chimes