Area Man Unmoved by NPR Piece on "Bullying"

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Area Man Fails to Conceal Disdain for Office Chatterbox

C'mon, who does he think he's fooling with that Poker Face? Whenever I talk to him he just stares blankly at me, not blinking, trying - straining - to keep his feelings in check. I must say, very stoic. Admirable, even. He'll fail, though. They all do. He's not being true to himself. The facial tics get more pronounced with each passing week and it's just a matter of time before he blows up at me and gets fired. Just watch. - Cathy Barwell, Human Resources, Benadinze Corp., O'Fallon, IL

Jesus she's annoying. Constantly sauntering from cube to cube, making early-morning small talk with "the girls." Offering donuts and anecdotes. Giggling her annoying little giggle. Tee-hee. I feel like punching her in the stomach every time she opens her fat mouth. Or just telling her to shut the fuck up. But I can't. I want to keep my job. - Bob Blanchard, Accounting, Benadinze Corp., O'Fallon, IL.

Slut Walk organizers encouraged by strong community support

Slut Car Wash to be held Saturday (Page 5B)

The support we're seeing at our rallies, - particularly from men - has been awesome. In fact, I'd say the crowds lining the walk route are typically 90% male. Totally unexpected given this is a quote-unquote "womens' issue." It really restores your faith in people. - Debbie Sinclaire, Slut Walk(TM) chairperson

 

Demand for Life Coaches Soars as Economy Falters

No marketable skills? No problem!

"...And right now, I want YOU to give YOURSELVES a BIG round of APPLAUSE! C'MON! LET'S HEAR IT!! YEAHHHH!!! You DESERVE it!!!!" - James Sweetman, an unemployed sheet metal worker who lives with his parents in Fenton, dispenses boilerplate Life Advice (TM) at Flo Valley Community College.

Meet the Writers!!!

Nat Trib writers Edward Daniels and David St. David will be appearing at the Watson Rd. Borders (next to the cafe) this Saturday evening from 8 - 11 p.m to read selected blog entries, sign autographs and answer questions. Nat Trib t-shirts will be available for $15.

2010 Pro Bowl Most-watched in 10 Years

Over 7,000 viewers tune-in nationwide

"The most eagerly anticipated sporting event since the finals of the 1974 Superstars competition" - Kent Bayland, VP, ESPN

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Celebs Help J. Crew "Re-Introduce" The Turtleneck

Men about town - Actor Gary Busey and movie producer Robert Evans are expected to feature prominently in 2010 ad campaign for J. Crew casual wear - Page 5D

First Lady Launches Initiative to Fight Childhood Obesity

"Listen up, you little pigs" - First lady Michelle Obama lambastes a group of overweight 3rd graders at Hollins Meadows Elementary School in Alexandria, VA., explaining how their poor eating habits have placed an undue strain on America's health care system. Page 2B

Area Man Lukewarm on the Entire Trader Joe's Experience

Trader Joe's employee Barb Cramer chats it up with customer Kevin Maxwell

Kevin Maxwell of Des Peres - Sorry. I can't stand the place. The people who work there are off-the-charts chatty. You're not allowed to leave the store without first engaging in pointless banter with the cashier for 10 minutes. My usual response to their annoying conversation starters is something like: "Do I have any big plans for the weekend? Uhhh, I might. But that's not really your concern, now is it?...Yeah, yeah, it's Friday and you were just trying to make conversation - Thanks for explaining. Let me explain something: Your role in my life isn't "BFF who keeps me company while checking out". It's "Thing that bags my items and tells me what I owe"...
OH! 'You don't get paid enough to put up with assholes like me'??? Really! What time does the pity party start?... Yeah, yeah...blahbiddy-blah, blah, blah. Just shut the fuck up and run my card, already. You brought this on yourself" - (Page 3A)

Ahmadinejad Honors Bachman Turner Overdrive

By David St. David

Randy Bachman, lead singer of the Canadian hard rock band Bachman Turner Overdrive, seen here backstage with Seth Ahmadinejad, the son of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, after the band's recent performance at the Tehran Civic Auditorium. B.T.O was recently honored by the Iranian president for their "continued pursuit of pure and constructive themes in their music ranging from taking care of one's business pursuits to the the challenges of not being able to see while battling blindness."

Bachman, 67, a resident of Calgary, said in a statement released through the band's publicist, "We're not really sure what to say. On one hand, it's always nice to be honored for your music, but the flip side is that we just really wanted to get the hell out of the country in one piece. No need to get anyone hurt, especially our drummer Billy Tubbs, who's been battling arthritis in both of his knees. The last thing he needed was to be dragged into the Iranian Foreign Ministry in the middle of the night about some damn award. Anyone has a problem with that can kiss my big, fat canadian ass."

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad reacts to the the encore performance of Bachman Turner Overdrive's "Takin Care Of Business", during the band's recent performance at the national soccer stadium in the ancient Iranian City of Qum

NBC Re-shuffles Late Nite Lineup

Leno and Conan Pushed Back to Original Slots, Daly Stays Put, Fallon Becomes Early Morning Lead-in for "Today Show" (Page 1D)

Area Woman Devastated by Kate Goesling Makeover

"The Kate Look", Carefully Cultivated Over 18 Month Period, Made Irrelevant Overnight

Peggy Domileski: "I can't believe this is happening to me. Why did she have to go and ruin everything. Just when people had started to ...I mean...I could be at a gas station or grocery store and strangers would come up and say 'You know, you kind of remind me of that Kate lady with the 8 babies.' Now what???? I'm back to being nothing. A nobody." Page 1D

Pictured above: Mugshot of Deke Agnew, charged with assault with intent to do serious bodily and

Bryce Agnew, 33 of North Hollywood California, pictured wearing the shirt in question, at a fashion show in New York's East Village last month (Photo provided by Richie)

Wentzville Autoworker Refuses To Intervene During Son's Ass-Kicking

"What the hell was I supposed to tell my buddies when he showed up dressed like that?"

By David St. David

The bonds between a father and son are supposed to be unbreakable however for Deke Agnew of Crystal City, the bond was shattered by the reaction of a co-worker to his son's new shirt.

The trouble began around 1am Tuesday morning near the entrance of Gators Tavern located at 1113 Gilmore Ave in Wentzville when Agnew's son, Bryce showed up to surprise his father who had just ended his third shift line position at the soon to be shuttered Chrysler plant nearby. According to multiple witnesses on the scene, the younger Agnew, age 33 of north Hollywood California, was said to be excited about the new shirt that he had received as a gift from a man only identified as Richie.

"This guy showed up at a bar that is known to cater to union auto workers yelling at the top of his lungs about some god-damned shirt," said Ray Lucas, who was one of the patrons said to be involved in the attack. "One comment led to another and things got out of control just like that."

"The final straw was when he said that everyone back in Hollywood was driving a Toyota Prius just like he was."

Officers from several nearby municipalities arrived on the scene to find Bryce Agnew on the floor and unconscious. According to several law enforcement sources, the coup de grace; a karate chop delivered to the back of the head, was delivered by the elder Agnew himself

"Yep, I hit him with a good shot when he wasn't looking," said Deke Agnew, who is now being held in the St.Charles County jail pending the filing of multiple charges. He added, "Hell, I don't even think he's mine anyway."

Bryce Agnew is listed in serious condition at Cardinal Glennon Hospital in St.Louis, where he was airlifted from the scene. He is said to be conscious but suffering from several broken ribs, a severely twisted ankle and what one police source who wishes to remain anonymous describes as a "very fragile psyche."

A man, identified only as Richie, was scene by several witnesses accompanying the younger Agnew during the short helicopter trip to the hospital.

Obama Named American League and World Series MVP

President: "Humbled, Honored"

Creve Coeur Mayor Decries Influx of "South County Hoosier Trash"

Page 3B.

"Let's not play games here. Everyone knows damn well what I'm talking about so spare me the phony indignation. Drive south on 270, past 44 and take a look around. Those are the people I'm talking about. The crowd that's all about vacationing in the Ozarks with their Jay Feather campers and noisy-ass jet-skis. Hard-core Cardinal fans that play beer-ball every Wednesday night and have sworn off Anheuser-Busch products forever. The whole "Hell Yeah" contingent. We just had some guy thrown out of Bristol's last week for asking the maitre d' 'Where's your shitter?' These yokels are scaring away the retired WASPs and Jewish widows that are indigenous to this area. It's hurting our image and our revenues. If they're going to migrate north they should keep going - past Creve Coeur - all the way on up to St. Charles. It sounds bad, but they'll be happier living with their own kind." - Creve Coeur mayor Phillip Taylor

Oily Buildup on Janeane Garofalo's Face Called Threat to the Environment

Could devastate birds and other wildlife if not contained.
Page 2A.

Nation Braces for "Blood" Installment of "More to Love"

Producer Mike Fleiss: "I don't want to reveal too much but, yes, the elimination ceremony at the end of next week's show will feature trap doors, a forklift and several buckets of pig's blood. If you enjoyed the anguish and humiliation suffered by the last round of rejects, you're in for a real treat." Page 7C

Saturday Night Retro Party - Vol. 2 - TV Promos and Bumpers from the 70s!!!

Back by popular request, it's Nat Trib Fan favorite "Saturday Night Retro Party"!

First up, it's a preview of the crap NBC was promising viewers for Fall of '78. Hits like "Waverly Wonders", "Who's Watching the Kids" and "Grandpa Goes to Washington".



Next we have ABC's Movie of the Week, starring William Shatner, post Star Trek, pre TJ Hooker...


And for those who wanted to start watching a movie at 10:30 p.m. on a work/school night...