Creve Coeur Mayor Decries Influx of "South County Hoosier Trash"

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"Let's not play games here. Everyone knows damn well what I'm talking about so spare me the phony indignation. Drive south on 270, past 44 and take a look around. Those are the people I'm talking about. The crowd that's all about vacationing in the Ozarks with their Jay Feather campers and noisy-ass jet-skis. Hard-core Cardinal fans that play beer-ball every Wednesday night and have sworn off Anheuser-Busch products forever. The whole "Hell Yeah" contingent. We just had some guy thrown out of Bristol's last week for asking the maitre d' 'Where's your shitter?' These yokels are scaring away the retired WASPs and Jewish widows that are indigenous to this area. It's hurting our image and our revenues. If they're going to migrate north they should keep going - past Creve Coeur - all the way on up to St. Charles. It sounds bad, but they'll be happier living with their own kind." - Creve Coeur mayor Phillip Taylor

Oily Buildup on Janeane Garofalo's Face Called Threat to the Environment

Could devastate birds and other wildlife if not contained.
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Nation Braces for "Blood" Installment of "More to Love"

Producer Mike Fleiss: "I don't want to reveal too much but, yes, the elimination ceremony at the end of next week's show will feature trap doors, a forklift and several buckets of pig's blood. If you enjoyed the anguish and humiliation suffered by the last round of rejects, you're in for a real treat." Page 7C