Commuter Just Pulls On Out Without Even Looking

Right in front of oncoming traffic, not a care in the world

Karen Brown of Ladue (above) pulls right on out, like there's absolutely no chance of anyone else being on the entire road. Completely oblivious. Poking along after cutting everyone off. Lah-dee-dah. Lah-dee-fucking-dah. Thaaaat's right, just take your sweet, fucking time, lady. Christ...pullin' around this idiot...let's just see.....betcha anything...... yep....... YEP!!..There she is! Surprise, surprise. Gabbing away. In her own little world like nothing hap....WHAT THE..!! DON'T GIVE ME THAT DISMISSIVE FUCKING GLANCE YOU SNOOTY LITTLE BITCH! GODDAMMIT I'LL FOLLOW YOUR ASS HOME!...Right! Sure I'm the crazy one I guess. Uh huh, Got it...NO! YOU'RE THE CRAZY ONE LADY! YOU ARE!!! YOU! YEAH, YOU! Page 5A.

Sluggish Start to Job Search for Laid Off Auto Worker

Sits Through Mid-morning Twins-Rangers Replay on ESPN Classic (p. 2C)


"It was just some random, regular season game from 1992. Totally meaningless. Neither team was even in contention. Not sure why I stayed with it, or why ESPN thought it was worth airing." - Former Chrysler line manager, Doug Spaig

Senior "Up To Here!" With Ever Shrinking Post "Disgrace"

"I Can't Even Find The Damn Thing Most Days..."

Complains..."It's No Bigger Than A Matchbook!..."

By David St. David

All Bill Turdlin of South City wants is to be able to read his newspaper in the morning with a cup of hot coffee and the quiet satisfaction of staying in touch with the world around him. The Post Dispatch, crumbling under the weight of an economy gone bad and a bloated , some have argued, out of touch approach to news gathering, has been forced to make some concessions with the 76 year old paper; one of which has Bill hopping mad.

"It's a god damned disgrace is what it is" says the unmarried 73 year old retired butcher. "This newspaper is exactly the size of a standard postcard!" he says spraying a reporter with spittle. "I tried to call and cancel my subscription and they just laughed at me and hung up."

"How the hell am I supposed to do my crossword puzzle when it's no bigger than a quarter!"

Joeseph Tiffany, Managing Editor of the paper and a frequent recipient of angry voice-mails, letters and what he claims are "foul smelling packages" from Turdlin was unmoved by his dilemma.

"Look, it was either decrease the size of the paper or go out of business. Sure it's hard to read, it's no bigger than my hand for chrissakes," he says with a hint of resignation. "Turdlin has been all over me for the past 25 years," he says, "He's just angry about everything and everyone. I guess if I looked like him though I might be angry all the time too."

For his part, Turdlin is trying to be philosophical about the matter.

"Fuck em all to hell," he chimes

Miss USA Organizers Preannounce Questions, Judges for 2010 Pageant

Goal: Reduce Babbling, Avert Controversy Through Better Prepared Contestants, Stricter Controls

"Having learned from experience, we'll be taking a zero tolerance approach towards contestants who try to inject politics into their interview answers." - Pageant Head Donald Trump


The judges announced for next year's pageant. Although interview questions have been made public (see below), question ownership has not been disclosed.

• What's your stance on late term abortion and a woman's right to choose?
• Should Dick Cheney be tried for war crimes at an international tribunal in The Hague?
• What can be done to prevent the president's socialist policies from destroying America?
• Do you kill your own food or do you have someone else do it for you?
• Give me one good reason why we shouldn't just get this over with and carpet-nuke the entire goddamned Middle East.
• Do you support gay marriage or not, bitch?

Addition of Pews, Kneelers Welcomed by White House Press Corps

New briefing room seating; Administration's response to complaints of aching backs, sore knees.


Video: May 1st, 2009. Reporters reluctantly "assume the position" on the unforgiving briefing room floor. Pews equipped with padded kneelers were installed the following week.

Erectile Dysfunction Ads Credited with Decline in Teen Pregnancy

Grossed Out: Researchers say images of flirtatious, frisky fiftysomethings cause otherwise healthy, horny teens to lose their appetite for sex. (Top) Creepy outdoor bathtubs, bathers a fixture in ads for ED remedy, Cialis.

Biden's Stay Aboard International Space Station Extended

President announces change of plans as shuttle leaves pad

VP to spend 18 months in earth orbit with Russian cosmonaut and capuchin monkey - "He tricked me. 'Just a two day photo op - 3 days, max', is what he said. Bullshit. It's not right. I don't want to be here. I want to go back. I have important work to do. I'll be quiet. I won't bother anyone, I promise." - Vice President Joe Biden