Obama Named American League and World Series MVP

President: "Humbled, Honored"

Creve Coeur Mayor Decries Influx of "South County Hoosier Trash"

Page 3B.

"Let's not play games here. Everyone knows damn well what I'm talking about so spare me the phony indignation. Drive south on 270, past 44 and take a look around. Those are the people I'm talking about. The crowd that's all about vacationing in the Ozarks with their Jay Feather campers and noisy-ass jet-skis. Hard-core Cardinal fans that play beer-ball every Wednesday night and have sworn off Anheuser-Busch products forever. The whole "Hell Yeah" contingent. We just had some guy thrown out of Bristol's last week for asking the maitre d' 'Where's your shitter?' These yokels are scaring away the retired WASPs and Jewish widows that are indigenous to this area. It's hurting our image and our revenues. If they're going to migrate north they should keep going - past Creve Coeur - all the way on up to St. Charles. It sounds bad, but they'll be happier living with their own kind." - Creve Coeur mayor Phillip Taylor

Oily Buildup on Janeane Garofalo's Face Called Threat to the Environment

Could devastate birds and other wildlife if not contained.
Page 2A.

Nation Braces for "Blood" Installment of "More to Love"

Producer Mike Fleiss: "I don't want to reveal too much but, yes, the elimination ceremony at the end of next week's show will feature trap doors, a forklift and several buckets of pig's blood. If you enjoyed the anguish and humiliation suffered by the last round of rejects, you're in for a real treat." Page 7C

Saturday Night Retro Party - Vol. 2 - TV Promos and Bumpers from the 70s!!!

Back by popular request, it's Nat Trib Fan favorite "Saturday Night Retro Party"!

First up, it's a preview of the crap NBC was promising viewers for Fall of '78. Hits like "Waverly Wonders", "Who's Watching the Kids" and "Grandpa Goes to Washington".



Next we have ABC's Movie of the Week, starring William Shatner, post Star Trek, pre TJ Hooker...


And for those who wanted to start watching a movie at 10:30 p.m. on a work/school night...

Kirkwood Man Languishes in Broadcast TV Hell after Cancelling Cable

Sunday afternoon options: Women's Golf (KSDK), Paid Programming (KMOV), "On Deadly Ground" (FOX2)


"Yeah, I'm saving $60 a month...and flipping between 3 fucking channels. The entire circuit takes less than 10 seconds. Nothingness followed by more nothingness. And "On Deadly Ground"? Seriously? It's Steven Segall in Alaska, circa 1994. Edited for television. With nine 10-minute-long commercial breaks it becomes a 3 hour ordeal. FOX or KTVI or whatever they call themselves apparently have an entire library full of this shit. Last Sunday it was a 3 hour version of "Bird on a Wire". The week before that it was "Rough Cut" with Burt Reynolds. It's enough to make you want to pick up a book." - Ken Anderson of Kirkwood

Sasquatch Sighted in Pacific Northwest

Hoax...or the real McCoy?

The single, grainy photograph taken by a camper near Condon, Oregon last Saturday. Kevin Herbst of Monroe, WA says the creature gorged itself on a goat and made threatening movements before disappearing into the forest.

"It's doubtful we'll ever know what this actually was. It's possible we're looking at a heretofore undiscovered genus of bipedal primate; a "sasquatch" or "yeti" if you will. Then again, it might just be some guy in a Kirstie Alley suit. It's anyone's guess." - Olivia Burwell, anthropolgist and forensic scientist, University of Oregon

CBS Defies Saturday Morning Conventions with Gritty, Groundbreaking "Beaver Cleaver"

Critic's Pick

All grown up: A wheelchair-bound Beaver (Jan Michael Vincent) and his sadistic, murderous brother Wally (Mickey Rourke) operate a brothel in present day Reno, NV.
Beaver Cleaver airs Saturdays, 9:00 a.m. on KMOV.

Bruce Baughman, 38 Accused of Boorish Borders Behavior


Bare Feet At Brentwood Borders Incites Brawl

"Clipping Toe-Nails Was Final Straw"

By David St. David

Little did Monica Rach of Kirkwood know that a relaxing morning in the cafe of her favorite bookstore would turn into what one grizzled police officer on the scene referred to as "the messiest crime scene I've ever seen."

"I can't even fathom how I"m going to cope with this," she said, as she nursed a bloody nose and split lip. "I saw normal men and women, people I see everyday and whom I like turn into mad dogs. The way they went after that poor man as he was screaming and trying to run away was like one of those Scorcese movies."

"I just happended to catch an elbow to the throat by accident," she added with a grimace.

It all started around 9:30 am yesterday morning in the coffee cafe inside the Borders Superstore in the Brentwood Square in Brentwood. The"poor man" at the center of all the action , 38 year old Bruce Baughman of Manchester was sitting at one of the tables and had taken off his shoes.

"He comes in here all of the time", said Cafe Manager Bob Wayne. "He nurses a small coffee all day long and he thinks that gives him the right to treat this like his home. I think finally people had had enough of him taking off his shoes and other things."

"Other things" apparently included clipping his toe-nails which was the final straw for customer David Von Raschke of Fenton. "I think I just went into some black-out rage thing," he said as he was being led away by several Brentwood police officers. "It wasn't just me," he said. "There were probably six or seven of us who chased him through the store until we finally cornered him over in the self-help section."

Baughman, who is being treated at a local hospital with numerous facial lacerations and a broken jaw, was arrested for disorderly conduct and creating a public disturbance. Even Brentwood cop Sgt. David Spague could understand the reaction of the cafe's customers.

"This is not a very clean person to begin with" he said. "I'd venture to say that the scent of his feet may be the single most revolting thing I've ever dealt with in my 27 years on the force." He added, "It's a good thing we got here when we did or else that crowd would have killed him. Personally, I wish they would have."

GOP's Effort to Create Bigger Tent Draws Scorn

DNC slams Buchanan sex change as "stunt", "shameless pandering". Page 3B

Commuter Just Pulls On Out Without Even Looking

Right in front of oncoming traffic, not a care in the world

Karen Brown of Ladue (above) pulls right on out, like there's absolutely no chance of anyone else being on the entire road. Completely oblivious. Poking along after cutting everyone off. Lah-dee-dah. Lah-dee-fucking-dah. Thaaaat's right, just take your sweet, fucking time, lady. Christ...pullin' around this idiot...let's just see.....betcha anything...... yep....... YEP!!..There she is! Surprise, surprise. Gabbing away. In her own little world like nothing hap....WHAT THE..!! DON'T GIVE ME THAT DISMISSIVE FUCKING GLANCE YOU SNOOTY LITTLE BITCH! GODDAMMIT I'LL FOLLOW YOUR ASS HOME!...Right! Sure I'm the crazy one I guess. Uh huh, Got it...NO! YOU'RE THE CRAZY ONE LADY! YOU ARE!!! YOU! YEAH, YOU! Page 5A.

Sluggish Start to Job Search for Laid Off Auto Worker

Sits Through Mid-morning Twins-Rangers Replay on ESPN Classic (p. 2C)


"It was just some random, regular season game from 1992. Totally meaningless. Neither team was even in contention. Not sure why I stayed with it, or why ESPN thought it was worth airing." - Former Chrysler line manager, Doug Spaig

Senior "Up To Here!" With Ever Shrinking Post "Disgrace"

"I Can't Even Find The Damn Thing Most Days..."

Complains..."It's No Bigger Than A Matchbook!..."

By David St. David

All Bill Turdlin of South City wants is to be able to read his newspaper in the morning with a cup of hot coffee and the quiet satisfaction of staying in touch with the world around him. The Post Dispatch, crumbling under the weight of an economy gone bad and a bloated , some have argued, out of touch approach to news gathering, has been forced to make some concessions with the 76 year old paper; one of which has Bill hopping mad.

"It's a god damned disgrace is what it is" says the unmarried 73 year old retired butcher. "This newspaper is exactly the size of a standard postcard!" he says spraying a reporter with spittle. "I tried to call and cancel my subscription and they just laughed at me and hung up."

"How the hell am I supposed to do my crossword puzzle when it's no bigger than a quarter!"

Joeseph Tiffany, Managing Editor of the paper and a frequent recipient of angry voice-mails, letters and what he claims are "foul smelling packages" from Turdlin was unmoved by his dilemma.

"Look, it was either decrease the size of the paper or go out of business. Sure it's hard to read, it's no bigger than my hand for chrissakes," he says with a hint of resignation. "Turdlin has been all over me for the past 25 years," he says, "He's just angry about everything and everyone. I guess if I looked like him though I might be angry all the time too."

For his part, Turdlin is trying to be philosophical about the matter.

"Fuck em all to hell," he chimes

Miss USA Organizers Preannounce Questions, Judges for 2010 Pageant

Goal: Reduce Babbling, Avert Controversy Through Better Prepared Contestants, Stricter Controls

"Having learned from experience, we'll be taking a zero tolerance approach towards contestants who try to inject politics into their interview answers." - Pageant Head Donald Trump


The judges announced for next year's pageant. Although interview questions have been made public (see below), question ownership has not been disclosed.

• What's your stance on late term abortion and a woman's right to choose?
• Should Dick Cheney be tried for war crimes at an international tribunal in The Hague?
• What can be done to prevent the president's socialist policies from destroying America?
• Do you kill your own food or do you have someone else do it for you?
• Give me one good reason why we shouldn't just get this over with and carpet-nuke the entire goddamned Middle East.
• Do you support gay marriage or not, bitch?

Addition of Pews, Kneelers Welcomed by White House Press Corps

New briefing room seating; Administration's response to complaints of aching backs, sore knees.


Video: May 1st, 2009. Reporters reluctantly "assume the position" on the unforgiving briefing room floor. Pews equipped with padded kneelers were installed the following week.

Erectile Dysfunction Ads Credited with Decline in Teen Pregnancy

Grossed Out: Researchers say images of flirtatious, frisky fiftysomethings cause otherwise healthy, horny teens to lose their appetite for sex. (Top) Creepy outdoor bathtubs, bathers a fixture in ads for ED remedy, Cialis.

Biden's Stay Aboard International Space Station Extended

President announces change of plans as shuttle leaves pad

VP to spend 18 months in earth orbit with Russian cosmonaut and capuchin monkey - "He tricked me. 'Just a two day photo op - 3 days, max', is what he said. Bullshit. It's not right. I don't want to be here. I want to go back. I have important work to do. I'll be quiet. I won't bother anyone, I promise." - Vice President Joe Biden

Network Anchor Climaxes During "100 Days of Obama" Celebration

Loses control 3 minutes into 5 hour-long broadcast. FCC considers fine (Page 8)


Award-winning journalist and author Chris Matthews ejaculates on-camera.

Cosmetic Surgery Craze Forces Updates to Wax Museum Inventories

Museum curators replacing outdated figures with less lifelike versions (Page 4D)


(Left) Fresh from the mold: "Wayne Newton", on display at the world famous Madame Tussauds Wax Museum in London. (Right) The real Wayne Newton performing in Las Vegas.

"Rock of Love" Reject Returns To Meramec

"I Thought He Was A Tool..And Told Him So"

By David St. David

Mary Gugini of Shrewsbury had a dream of rock and roll stardom but soon discovered that her dream had become a real nightmare. Gugini, 23, a 4th year student in the general studies associate degree program at Meramec Community College in Kirkwood, was recently voted off the VH-1 reality series "Brett Michael's Rock of Love" due to what she termed "political bullshit."

"I wouldn't sleep with him," she says. "I couldn't, I mean look at him. He's as old as my Father!" She remembers, "And those awful plugs, why do you think he wears that ridiculous bandana?." "I told him I thought it made him look like a tool and lo and behold, I was off the show," she fumes. "That little bitch Christie, the one with the tatoos sold me out. She was supposed to tell Brett that I should stay on the show but instead ended up sleeping with him and his drum roadie....whore!"

Asked for a reaction to Gugini's claims, a representative of VH-1 commented to the Examiner, "I can't comment on any claims made however I can say that Mr. Michael's hair is all his own."

For her sake, Gugini wants to put the experience behind her. "I'll probably end up back at Meramec next semester, " she says with a wistful grin. "I only need eight credit hours to get my associate degree and I bet with all of this publicity that Kohls would hire me back in a second."

Brawl at Express Checkout Leaves Two Dead

Muttered accusation of item limit violation may have prompted attack


The self-scan station at Schuncks in Webster Groves where a 67-year-old man was strangled to death. The assailant, 51-year-old Judith Caldwell, was shot dead by store security. Police records indicate Caldwell was attempting to purchase 14 items; two over express checkout's limit of 12.

Perez Not the First to Call Contestant "Cunt"

In fact, it's almost a tradition among beauty pageant judges, dating back to the early '60s


Lloyd Bridges smirks after calling Miss Georgia a "cunt" during the interview segment of the 1983 Miss USA pageant.

Ex-KSDK Dragon Lady Karen Foss Finds Ice Queen Image Hard to Shake

Foss unconvincing as "friendly, middle-aged housewife next door" in latest Ameren ad, despite cozy kitchen backdrop and tired coffee mug cliche'. Page 2B. (Update: Minutes ago, STL Examiner was contacted about this article by Ameren's general counsel as well as Foss's personal attorney. Both were told, in no uncertain terms, to fuck off. Please watch for our upcoming exposé on how the arrival of hi-def forced Karen into early retirment).

Ballwin Man Skips Cardinal Home Opener for 25th Consecutive Year

Shuns Cardinal Nation, Sunday Night Sports Extra
Page 3D.

Judge Declares Mistrial in Waxman Paternity Suit

Cites misconduct by both parties

"Think 'Traveling freak show visits mental ward'. I'd lost control of the proceedings before the first witness was even called. The throwing of feces was simply the final act in a week of despicable behavior." - Judge Cormac Carpley



(L) Defendant Henry Waxman (D - CA) and Batboy, son of plaintiff Susan Griggs

Saturday Night Retro Party - Vol. 1

To start off....

This was a good look for Rundgren, I think. Not sure why he abandoned it, or why the whole Man-As-Bird thing never caught on.




Afternoon Delight! I absolutely LOVED this song growing up. Brings back many fond memories (although I never realized there was a minority in the group. what's up with that!? kind of ruined it for me :-(





And, of course, everyone's favorite...